For it to be a successful marriage, it is important that both the partners care for each other’s likes and dislikes.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = \"urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office\" />

Each spouse brings his or her individual value systems, backgrounds and beliefs in a marriage. There are also individual tastes, preferences, personal habits and behaviour patterns. These can either enrich a relationship or cause conflicts. There should be an effort on both sides to not only understand the differences but to respect them.

In a healthy marriage there are no conflicts arising out of these differences. They are either allowed to exist and cherished as part and parcel of the spouse or they are changed as per the other spouse’ liking. It is not done forcibly, but is a sign of mutual understanding, love and respect for each other.

There are many reasons due to which even a loving, respectful relationship can slowly lose its strength and head towards a sad, unhappy end. Besides the obvious reasons like infidelity, domestic violence and so forth, there are less obvious reasons which can send a marriage in a downward spiral.

These hidden reasons work like slow poison which quietly sour a relationship and gradually widen the distance between two partners. They include certain behavioural patterns which first spoil a happy, loving relationship and then push it towards divorce.

The question to be asked is that which of the partners is responsible for ruining the marriage. Is it the partner whose behaviour is the bone of contention or the one who objects to it and refuses to accept the spouse “for what he or she is”?

There is no right answer to this unless the behaviour is abusive in nature. The trick lies in reaching a compromise after evaluating who gets affected more and for whom is it easier to change. An annoying personal habit of one partner requires understanding and patience from the other. An effort can be made from both sides where one can try and drop the habit and the other can restrict the negative reaction to it and show love and patience.

On the other hand, any demeaning or abusive behaviour needs to be eliminated immediately as it is against the very principle of marriage where both the partners are committed to love, trust and respect each other.  Any positive effort goes a long way in bringing the couple closer and strengthening their bond.

There are some stereotypical patterns, however, which are harmful for a marital relationship. They dig deeper between the partners, gradually alienating them and pushing them towards divorce. All effort should be made to contain the damage while it is possible to do so.

Here we discuss three behavioural patterns which are number one reasons for straining marital relationships and pushing them towards divorce:

1.       Making selfish demands on a partner or family resources without taking into consideration other people’s needs. There are spouses who are very controlling and believe that their wish is the command. They demand to get what they want and are not open to any negotiations. Often spouses utilize family resources for selfish needs without any consultation with the other partner. This causes the other spouse to become defensive and resent the person for being so insensitive and inconsiderate. Resentment breeds contempt and hatred, an exact opposite of love so necessary in any marriage.

2.       Passing sarcastic or disrespectful comments on every action of the partner. Affection and respect propagate love while disrespect and sarcasm encourage negativity. Respect involves a lot of factors; respecting a person’s choice, beliefs, values, relationships such as family and friends and so on. Sarcasm is also a negative attitude and it vitiates the relationship leading to further deterioration.

3.       Shouts and angry outbursts shut all channels of communication vital to maintaining better understanding and love. Anger makes you unreasonable and leads to the other person stonewalling you out of their mind. It might force a person into action but unwillingly so. Anger is the wrong method of resolving issues which get buried temporarily, only to manifest themselves later in some other form. The other person might agree with you out of compulsion and not conviction. It can alter the pattern of interaction between the partners permanently where one spouse becomes distant, avoiding any communication. A relationship suffering from lack of communication cannot sustain itself for long

These negative behavioural patterns disrupt the natural progression of a relationship and increasingly erode the base of the marriage. The only remedy to counter the ill-effects of such behavioural patterns is to immediately put a stop to it and try to reintroduce love in the marriage.